Journey Back Home. The Past, The Present, The Future.

Its crazy. August is coming. And this life, the life I have known for almost 1 year, my new routine, my new culture, my new music, my new food, my new habits, my new family, my new friends, my new ME, will have to stop. I honestly feel, scared .. yes .. that`s the word. Fear,  scared. No offence, I don’t really miss anyone in Malaysia.  I was born in a family who my parents, have been travelling and living abroad here and there since I was born, same goes to my siblings. I mean it`s almost impossible to have all 7 of us (including my parents) together for a picture. I left home when I was 18, and even when I was living at home, it was only me and my parents, my siblings were out, far, studying, exploring their life. So, like I said, being away from my family, is not a huge problem for me. Regardless they are always there for me, my sisters, my brothers, my mom and my dad. Regardless the time difference, I know I can talk to them at any time, god bless you technology.

And my friends back in Malaysia? Do I miss them? Yes. I miss my super nerdy boring retarded life in UTM. Surprisingly, after travelling the other side of the world, living in a country where it was known for crazy parties, fun people, fun EVERYTHING, I still miss my deadly boring routine as a university student with all the nerdy people there. I miss my routine when I was there. I miss my roommate. I miss my life with her, I miss her the most. I honestly said, one thing that broke my heart the most is to know that I can never have that sort of life that I used to have with her anymore. She is happily married, has a cutest most adorable son, and another one is coming in October. And of course she can`t be there for me anymore if I`m bored at midnight, and feeling like eating something or lepaking at mamak. She is the best company I ever have. She truly is : )

I miss the time when I was in love with my ex. The relationship was a disaster of course, we were too young, too immature, too naïve, too dumb, but I was so crazily in love with the guy. Haha. its ridiculous sometimes to think how I can loved someone that much! I was such a psycho girlfriend, I even laugh at myself now. Yup, the relationship was a DISASTER. I don’t know about him, but for me, we had fun together. We didn’t do a lot of romantic things together, he was such a pain in the ass when it comes to being romantic. But to me he was funny as hell. And he did know how to make me laugh. And I miss our boring routine being a couple and studying in the same university. Trying to find any free time just to see each other, then we ended up fighting. I was so excited every time a new movie comes out, because I can watch the movie with him in the cinema (we were obsess about watching movies), then we fought, nothing much, our relationship basically consist of eating, fighting, watching movies, fighting, shopping, fighting, celebrating birthdays, then fighting, wishing each other good luck for exams, futsal tournaments, organizing events, war with the thesis, wishing each other good morning and good night. Basically, that was it. It was probably, the most ridiculously boring relationship ever, and this guy was such an ass he refused to do fun things with me, instead he prefer to do it with his friends example to travel and stuff. Hahaha. What an ass. But, it was fun for me. Really. Cheers to that. It must be fun because I did stay with the guy for 4 years, after he dumped me for another girl the first week I arrived in Brazil. Really people, he could be the WORST bf you can ever imagine, but after living half across the world from Malaysia, and even having a new Chilean bf who by far the BEST bf you can ever imagine, that disaster relationship that I had with him for four years, that boring, relationship, is one of the thing I miss the most, not because of love, we both have moved on,  we are friends, and we can even laugh about those time,  I just simply missed those moment because they were huge important parts of my life, and they taught me a lot. So to my ex, cheers to that. And please, when you have a new gf, stop being an ass.

(I don`t have any picture with my ex. so let`s just pretend i dated all these guys. HAHAHAH)

Scared. I know things will change once I get back. That friend who I used to talk about how shitty our boyfriends are, now she is getting married. That friend who used to say `no one will marry me’, now is 2 months pregnant, with a lovely husband. That friend who I can always call to go eat at mamak is getting engage, that friend who I used to smoke weed with, well..i think she is still high. Haha. Jokes aside. And every day more friends are getting engage, married and pregnant. And here I am, having to start my life all over again in Malaysia. Abah is `trying` to make me do my Master in UMK so he can send me to overseas. And doesn’t stop talking about it. Stress. I haven’t even started my Master yet, he has already started to talk about me having a stable permanent job so he can buy me a house (I think that is his tricks to make sure that I will settle down in Malaysia, because he knows, his youngest daughter is weird as hell, stubborn, and she can just disappear). Abah always want to plan everything about my life. Umi keeps on asking me

`When are you going to have a stable boyfriend? `

`Pray pray pray for a good husband. A good husband is the most important thing in life.`

`Husband husband husband!!!!!`

 I have come to that age, when all I can hear is `husband husband HUSBAND`.

Now, the problem is, I have changed. Finding a future husband is not my main priority now, getting a stable permanent job isn’t what I am looking for now. I know I can offer more than settling down in Malaysia. You know what I really want to do? I want to be an English teacher in poor parts of Africa, Russia, South America, India,Pakistan or doing charity work somewhere, volunteers, helping children to learn ABC. I want to teach them that education is better than selling drugs. Dancing samba or salsa with them, work in the slums, care for the orphans. Play football with them. Show them love. But why overseas? I can simply do these in Malaysia. Why not do it in Malaysia? Why? Because I have the advantage of going out of Malaysia, I can handle culture differences which are not easy to adapt for most people, I can travel, I have the mental ability to be thousands miles away from my family and my culture for a long time, totally ALONE, and be just fine. I have the physical ability to run, walk, help, work. I have the stomach of a monster I can eat any kind of food. I have the money..no..wait..my abah has the money. But he is supportive!hahaha..  Therefore I should go, people like me should go. I know I am much more than what my parents think of me. 

I know I know.. I never have any objection about our culture, which normally requires the woman to find a good husband, be a good wife and a good mother. I know.  Its great. If it happens to me by god’s willing, alhamdullilah, I won`t reject that. But for now, after meeting so many different people from all over the world, learning about culture differences, and for the first time, killing the stereotypes sickness that I have in me, I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY WITH MY LIFE AND MY SELF.

People, the world is SO FUCKING HUGEEEE. Visiting new culture is not the same as living with the culture. I had never in my life live with a different culture from my Malay culture. Never in my life I am isolated from my own culture, totally, isolated, the one and only MALAY, the one and only MUSLIM. I have visited a lot of countries , a lot of cultures, but never lived in one, until Brazil comes in the picture. Brazil, you have been giving me a lot of crazily amazingly ridiculously sweet memories. The people, the music, the culture, the food, and the life. And I have to go home now. Thank you. I arrived to Brazil as an insecure, low self esteem, naïve girl, and I will return to Malaysia feeling beautiful, strong and complete. Yes, I am scared to return to Malaysia, but hey, who doesn’t like another life adventure ;)